There is nothing harder then letting go of your children when they are more then ready to go. Weather it be those first lunging steps, the first night without a sitter, the keys to the car, or those steps to independence as College students.
I am reminded of the song "What it Means to be Loved" by Mark Schultz. This song gets me every time I hear it because it is the way I try and live my life. I don't always succeed by I try. As I think on the boys births and know what a struggle it was to get each of them here in their own way, the overwhelming thankfulness of having them and being able to be their Mom sometimes takes my breath away.
Now Paul and I didn't parent like the normal parents and maybe that is because we were told we would never have children and we knew this before we got married so we weren't expecting any. When they came it was such a miracle in every sense that we chose some pretty tough choices. We had a list of rules for ourselves, I know that may sound strange but we did and we still follow them today sometimes to a fault.
I gave up a career and we talked late one night when I was pregnant with our first and we both agreed if we were going to be parents our kids would come first in every situation. We would not put them in daycare and if God thought us capable to raise a child then we would raise that child, it is the most important job in the World. So I quit my career path and became a full-time Mom. Yes, I have had to hold down a job now and then to make ends meet but for the most part in 21 years I have been a full-time Mom. If I had to work I worked nights or during school hours if the boys were in school which wasn't long because I home-schooled all four at one point or another. Now we come to another step in this process of raising children, they are young men. So as parents we are in the midst of deciding what to do or how to help them become independent without dropping them entirely. If you know us and you know our boys you know this is going to be a big challenge for us. We are not what you might call, people that have a life outside of our kids.
When you put your kids first in life, friends tend to slip away. Sure you have a few you will always be friends with and a few, even though they think of you as nuts have accepted the way you parent; but most went their own way a longtime ago. It didn't help that we were extremely busy raising kids and taking care of parents and we have moved all over the countryside either, we don't bar hop in fact short of a small glass of wine neither of us even drink and we both prefer the non-alcoholic wine if truth be told, we don't do the 'Social Scene' well- never have. So what is one to do when your trying to have your kids become more independent but in someways your just as a dependent on them?
Paul and I went for a walk and made another list... It is one of those lists that we would have made for Caleb when he was little or Isaiah now as we try to make him less shy. We have to find a couple of friends that understand we are Parents first and probably always will be. They have to understand we run just as much and do just as much for my Parents as we do for our kids, and our weekends rarely are ever our own to claim. They have to like to play cards- hearts and spades particularly. And also our new friends should enjoy camping and canoeing. Just sitting by the campfire is something the two of us can do for hours. We also discussed how it would be nice to find friends that would enjoy a good game of tennis every month for Paul and someone who likes to walk and talk kids for me. And it would be a big bonus to have a set of friends that take care of their parents and were Christians to share the burden and struggle of being obedient in this area.
By now you are all laughing but this is actually what our conversation was about and this is what we came up with, the part that is difficult is where do we find such people? Where do we find people like that and how in the world do you make more then superficial friendships at our ages?
Well, we had no answer. We have been each others life line and support and best friends for so long, dealing with so much over the years together as a team not wanting to burden anyone else or trouble them with our trials in life but instead doing what we can to help ease theirs. We are a pretty introverted couple.....
"Friends come and go but Family is forever" There is a truth in that. People move on, find other groups of people discover others in life meet and become friends. But here's a question what about the people that are very busy with daily life? That have given everything to do what they thought was right at the time and still have major time constraints on their lives? Do they deserve friends too? Or because they don't have time to go out, or get together weekly or chat on the phone everyday are they not worth the energy and time in being a friend?
Interesting to think about isn't it? Now where to go from here? That is to be discovered.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Loads of Laundry
I have done hundreds of thousands of loads of laundry over my lifetime. First at home, I started at eight years of age doing them one load at a time for my family so my Mom wouldn't have to. I must be honest, I hated the job. There was my Dad's laundry so filthy that you had to rinse it in the sink first and the hired cousins laundry that had come to work for the Summers on the Farm and help my Dad. Pig smell and cow smell was abundant. I can remember wondering if when I went to school, was I so immune to the smell of all of our laundry? Did I smell like the barn? I don't think I did but it was always something I wondered about.
Now years later after twenty plus years of doing baby laundry, toddler laundry, young child boy laundry, and teen boy laundry; I am once again sorting clothing this morning and doing laundry. Yet this morning is a bit different, I notice this sons or that and after awhile I really start to look at each article of clothing I pull out of the hampers. Every article seems to tell a story, I haven't been paying enough attention! I know each and every sock and tee, I ponder that everyone is folded exactly the same way when I take them out of the dryer but here, sorting them for the washer, they all have a distinct personality...
As I come across socks folded together in a pair and jeans and shirt folded neatly in half laid in the hamper I know they are Paul's. Not just because I know his jeans and shirts but because of how they lay. I hope to be seeing these for many more years to come, my neat ~ sweet~ precise husband. His clothes reflect the man, not too flashy and every color smelling of hard work and happiness to me. It makes me smile every time I catch a whiff, and his socks folded so neat make me chuckle, to me it seems silly as they will be unfolded and lost to each other in the wash anyway but to him its practical, and that is my love, my heart. Where I am whimsy he is down to earth, my perfect partner for life.
As I unload another basket the similarity is sometime breathtaking. It steals my breath to see the jeans folded in half and laid in the hamper, how similar to his Daddy this next basket is. Oh, socks are not folded just so and the work out clothes could literally stand up of their own accord, but for the most part they are still neat and orderly even in the hamper. As I wash the quilt, I reminisce and see the little red curls peaking out of the covers, the quilt is threadbare now and even though he has a new one he still will never let this one go, it is his favorite thin or not and he sleeps better with it. This son takes comfort in the little things in life, he exalts in physical competitiveness and is a hard worker no matter what he does, this is evident in all articles of clothing. The jeans are the same brand and style he has worn for years, his tee shirts are most athletic brand and his socks are low and no show as he doesn't like things on his ankles. This child is not one for change, he never minds being alone and is happy with who he is and confident and secure in who's hands his life is in. God plays a huge role in his life everyday and he lives his life that way too, it shows in the care he takes to prolong the life of his clothes and in the ones that are thread bare and he hesitates to get rid of.
I move onto the next laundry hamper. this one makes me chuckle because typically it isn't only one but two bulging hampers overflowing with clothing spurting out from every possible niche. There are dress shirts and vests and jeans and name brand clothing. These jeans are almost taller then I am and look a little strange with the tiny little waists and insanely long inseam. There is every color under the rainbow with a lot of turquoise and black. The socks are typically inside out and I am lucky if all have a mate when I am done. This is the way this son lives his life, carefree and never sweating the small stuff~ and to him the majority of it is small stuff. The son is like the wardrobe cheerful and bright, having a smile for almost everyone. His song is a constant hum and there is always music when this son is in the house, but beware if someone is treated unfairly or he sees and injustice his mood can turn as dark as his black slacks. The heart is huge on this son and it is not a wonder how his favorite color is red. The one most like me that leads with his heart is so much more then me. Teaching this child to beware and careful of others and when not to get involved even when your heart wants to was heart wrenching for us both, and I tear up thinking of all he is and has become. This son will live life to the fullest letting God shine through him singing his praises with every breath. When I fold a fuzzy blanket, I think of my cuddle boy. He always has been and I am pretty sure he always will be, he has never been and will never be afraid to hold his Mommies hand or cuddle and lay his head in her lap.
The next laundry basket is full of camo and clothing thrown in, half of it inside out and it looks like he literally ran out of them. I lovingly turn them right side out and sort them into all the dark piles. Clothing in this basket is dirtier then all the others and there are flashes of an older brother. The athletic gear is so much alike this son has labeled everything of his with a larger permanent marker A on all the tags. He lives life just like his clothing indicates~ at FULL SPEED! This son teases his way through every situation and his sensible working ethic is visible in every dirt spot and smudge. He longs to be independent and work with the dirt. Own a truck and play country music as loud as he likes. His jeans are long and lean just like he is. He loves adventure and hunting and his clothing reflects this side as if he was in them and I was seeing him through the mirror image. The socks are long and waded up in a ball, and remind me this son wears cowboy boots with pride and the belt loops are all stretched out from his belts and buckles that seem to be his signature He wears them all with pride sporting Dodge, Case IH and John Deere at his waist. This too is a reflection, he would live under a car with his Dad teaching him if he could. As I spray the oil spots with dawn dish soap to remove them I smile a little at the thought of my mechanical young teen and his growing and changing everyday as he becomes a young man.
I am done with all the baskets but there is noticeably a color from the laundry missing. I take a walk down the hall making sure to bring a basket with me, I open the door on the first room to my left. There spread before me is a sea of orange covering the floor. I start to pick up articles of sweat pants and orange shirts and socks. Today I actually laugh out load and don't get frustrated with the lack of cleanliness. This is the youngest of four, my baby although they are all my babies and I still think of them in that way, but this one reminds me daily that HE is the BABY and he loves being so. As I pick up the clothing I am reminded less then 6 months ago this little round short guy was my peanut, now the clothing is longer and leaner. He enjoys clothing that on anyone else would clash with their hair but for him, it is just fitting. He gravitates toward anything and everything orange even his underwear. I am reminded of this as I pick up gray socks with orange stripes because of the argument we just had in the store when I thought just plain gray was the perfect color and would not clash with all the orange, he on the other hand was not convinced. We ended up buying the socks with a orange stripe. The smile on his face as he walked out of the store with his package was a priceless gift to me, something I will always remember.
All the clothing is on the floor in various piles and there is a load in the washer and the dryer. I look around and I instantly tear up, my family is here. No not in the physical sense but instead I can see each of them through the years, they parade in my minds eye through the years, their grins and smiles and even some tears. I am so incredibly blessed! The beauty of laundry has now just dawned on me, a labor of love that reminds me how very fortunate I am. They may all be very different and all are on different paths but the love, yeah the love is just the same.
PSALM 19: 7-14
Now years later after twenty plus years of doing baby laundry, toddler laundry, young child boy laundry, and teen boy laundry; I am once again sorting clothing this morning and doing laundry. Yet this morning is a bit different, I notice this sons or that and after awhile I really start to look at each article of clothing I pull out of the hampers. Every article seems to tell a story, I haven't been paying enough attention! I know each and every sock and tee, I ponder that everyone is folded exactly the same way when I take them out of the dryer but here, sorting them for the washer, they all have a distinct personality...
As I come across socks folded together in a pair and jeans and shirt folded neatly in half laid in the hamper I know they are Paul's. Not just because I know his jeans and shirts but because of how they lay. I hope to be seeing these for many more years to come, my neat ~ sweet~ precise husband. His clothes reflect the man, not too flashy and every color smelling of hard work and happiness to me. It makes me smile every time I catch a whiff, and his socks folded so neat make me chuckle, to me it seems silly as they will be unfolded and lost to each other in the wash anyway but to him its practical, and that is my love, my heart. Where I am whimsy he is down to earth, my perfect partner for life.
As I unload another basket the similarity is sometime breathtaking. It steals my breath to see the jeans folded in half and laid in the hamper, how similar to his Daddy this next basket is. Oh, socks are not folded just so and the work out clothes could literally stand up of their own accord, but for the most part they are still neat and orderly even in the hamper. As I wash the quilt, I reminisce and see the little red curls peaking out of the covers, the quilt is threadbare now and even though he has a new one he still will never let this one go, it is his favorite thin or not and he sleeps better with it. This son takes comfort in the little things in life, he exalts in physical competitiveness and is a hard worker no matter what he does, this is evident in all articles of clothing. The jeans are the same brand and style he has worn for years, his tee shirts are most athletic brand and his socks are low and no show as he doesn't like things on his ankles. This child is not one for change, he never minds being alone and is happy with who he is and confident and secure in who's hands his life is in. God plays a huge role in his life everyday and he lives his life that way too, it shows in the care he takes to prolong the life of his clothes and in the ones that are thread bare and he hesitates to get rid of.
I move onto the next laundry hamper. this one makes me chuckle because typically it isn't only one but two bulging hampers overflowing with clothing spurting out from every possible niche. There are dress shirts and vests and jeans and name brand clothing. These jeans are almost taller then I am and look a little strange with the tiny little waists and insanely long inseam. There is every color under the rainbow with a lot of turquoise and black. The socks are typically inside out and I am lucky if all have a mate when I am done. This is the way this son lives his life, carefree and never sweating the small stuff~ and to him the majority of it is small stuff. The son is like the wardrobe cheerful and bright, having a smile for almost everyone. His song is a constant hum and there is always music when this son is in the house, but beware if someone is treated unfairly or he sees and injustice his mood can turn as dark as his black slacks. The heart is huge on this son and it is not a wonder how his favorite color is red. The one most like me that leads with his heart is so much more then me. Teaching this child to beware and careful of others and when not to get involved even when your heart wants to was heart wrenching for us both, and I tear up thinking of all he is and has become. This son will live life to the fullest letting God shine through him singing his praises with every breath. When I fold a fuzzy blanket, I think of my cuddle boy. He always has been and I am pretty sure he always will be, he has never been and will never be afraid to hold his Mommies hand or cuddle and lay his head in her lap.
The next laundry basket is full of camo and clothing thrown in, half of it inside out and it looks like he literally ran out of them. I lovingly turn them right side out and sort them into all the dark piles. Clothing in this basket is dirtier then all the others and there are flashes of an older brother. The athletic gear is so much alike this son has labeled everything of his with a larger permanent marker A on all the tags. He lives life just like his clothing indicates~ at FULL SPEED! This son teases his way through every situation and his sensible working ethic is visible in every dirt spot and smudge. He longs to be independent and work with the dirt. Own a truck and play country music as loud as he likes. His jeans are long and lean just like he is. He loves adventure and hunting and his clothing reflects this side as if he was in them and I was seeing him through the mirror image. The socks are long and waded up in a ball, and remind me this son wears cowboy boots with pride and the belt loops are all stretched out from his belts and buckles that seem to be his signature He wears them all with pride sporting Dodge, Case IH and John Deere at his waist. This too is a reflection, he would live under a car with his Dad teaching him if he could. As I spray the oil spots with dawn dish soap to remove them I smile a little at the thought of my mechanical young teen and his growing and changing everyday as he becomes a young man.
I am done with all the baskets but there is noticeably a color from the laundry missing. I take a walk down the hall making sure to bring a basket with me, I open the door on the first room to my left. There spread before me is a sea of orange covering the floor. I start to pick up articles of sweat pants and orange shirts and socks. Today I actually laugh out load and don't get frustrated with the lack of cleanliness. This is the youngest of four, my baby although they are all my babies and I still think of them in that way, but this one reminds me daily that HE is the BABY and he loves being so. As I pick up the clothing I am reminded less then 6 months ago this little round short guy was my peanut, now the clothing is longer and leaner. He enjoys clothing that on anyone else would clash with their hair but for him, it is just fitting. He gravitates toward anything and everything orange even his underwear. I am reminded of this as I pick up gray socks with orange stripes because of the argument we just had in the store when I thought just plain gray was the perfect color and would not clash with all the orange, he on the other hand was not convinced. We ended up buying the socks with a orange stripe. The smile on his face as he walked out of the store with his package was a priceless gift to me, something I will always remember.
All the clothing is on the floor in various piles and there is a load in the washer and the dryer. I look around and I instantly tear up, my family is here. No not in the physical sense but instead I can see each of them through the years, they parade in my minds eye through the years, their grins and smiles and even some tears. I am so incredibly blessed! The beauty of laundry has now just dawned on me, a labor of love that reminds me how very fortunate I am. They may all be very different and all are on different paths but the love, yeah the love is just the same.
PSALM 19: 7-14
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
2013 Time Flies
It is January 2013, and I feel like life is speeding by. I am as busy as ever. I thought life would calm down with two of the boys gone to College, but no it hasn't.
Christmas Vacation this year was spent with all four boys home for two weeks. It amazed to me how much our family dynamics had changed. We see each other and attend school functions and weekends together all Fall long, it wasn't like we hadn't seen or been together since the start of College this last Fall, but things still changed drastically. All four under the same roof and it was so much calmer, more mature then ever before; well MOST of the time. The boys all got along and rarely did they argue even after me telling them they needed to help with the household chores. They all usually groan about that but shockingly there was very little rumbling and mostly just getting up, taking a chore and completing it. Now for a Mom who has spent the last twenty-one plus years picking up after a five to one ratio and for three years a six to one ratio of men verses women this has probably shocked me the most. Oh the competitiveness is still there and the teasing but it is mostly the intense friendship that I witnessed This probably sticks out in my mind more then anything else because this has always been something I have encouraged in my sons since birth. Friends in this life come and go but your brothers and your family is forever... I can't tell you how many times I have told one little boy or another this after huge fights or black eyes or skinned knees. I remember those days fondly, holding that little ball of energy on my lap while they sobbed so hard you'd think their little bodies couldn't contain all the sorrow and almost always it was sobs more about their own behavior even if the brother had ultimately ended the confrontation by landing a punch. Most of the time it was feeling ashamed of their own behavior and whatever knickknack or piece of furniture that got broken in the midst of the fight that caused the most tears or sorrow. Now I see all those days of repeating myself and hoping and praying they heard me coming to realization. As I watch them play video games together or discuss the latest sports score and teams I see such love for one another and respect shinning through. I am also sending out lots of praise and thanks to God for all the answered prayers and that they have arrived at this point in life in one piece, together.
Too many families are fractured and broken. I am so glad my boys have learned the lessons we tried so hard to instill on them as little rambunctious toddlers and young boys. It makes me look back on those days of little or no sleep and of howling children and those times I longed for silence with tenderness and a bit of nostalgia They aren't those little boys who flooded the bathroom or tried to wash the cat, but they are young men who are loving and protective of each other and their parents and Grandparents. They are smart and best of all those four best friends love and serve God while nurturing their relationship with each other.
Christmas Vacation this year was spent with all four boys home for two weeks. It amazed to me how much our family dynamics had changed. We see each other and attend school functions and weekends together all Fall long, it wasn't like we hadn't seen or been together since the start of College this last Fall, but things still changed drastically. All four under the same roof and it was so much calmer, more mature then ever before; well MOST of the time. The boys all got along and rarely did they argue even after me telling them they needed to help with the household chores. They all usually groan about that but shockingly there was very little rumbling and mostly just getting up, taking a chore and completing it. Now for a Mom who has spent the last twenty-one plus years picking up after a five to one ratio and for three years a six to one ratio of men verses women this has probably shocked me the most. Oh the competitiveness is still there and the teasing but it is mostly the intense friendship that I witnessed This probably sticks out in my mind more then anything else because this has always been something I have encouraged in my sons since birth. Friends in this life come and go but your brothers and your family is forever... I can't tell you how many times I have told one little boy or another this after huge fights or black eyes or skinned knees. I remember those days fondly, holding that little ball of energy on my lap while they sobbed so hard you'd think their little bodies couldn't contain all the sorrow and almost always it was sobs more about their own behavior even if the brother had ultimately ended the confrontation by landing a punch. Most of the time it was feeling ashamed of their own behavior and whatever knickknack or piece of furniture that got broken in the midst of the fight that caused the most tears or sorrow. Now I see all those days of repeating myself and hoping and praying they heard me coming to realization. As I watch them play video games together or discuss the latest sports score and teams I see such love for one another and respect shinning through. I am also sending out lots of praise and thanks to God for all the answered prayers and that they have arrived at this point in life in one piece, together.
Too many families are fractured and broken. I am so glad my boys have learned the lessons we tried so hard to instill on them as little rambunctious toddlers and young boys. It makes me look back on those days of little or no sleep and of howling children and those times I longed for silence with tenderness and a bit of nostalgia They aren't those little boys who flooded the bathroom or tried to wash the cat, but they are young men who are loving and protective of each other and their parents and Grandparents. They are smart and best of all those four best friends love and serve God while nurturing their relationship with each other.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Like Hearts
Have you ever had someone totally unexpected plop into your life? I have recently had this happen again in life. I have had it happen more times then I can actually remember actually, I have come to learn it is God. He just knows what I need or someone else needs and PLOP here I am or they are in each others lives out of the blue knowing very little about each other but having the strongest bond of COMMONALITY.
Whether I have been through it before or they have or you only care about the same person this bond is there.
Today I opened my FaceBook page and read a comment and my heart reached of its own accord and I knew without a doubt I had been where this person is standing right now. I know exactly how she feels and even though I have never met this person face to face we have this common bond, and I knew her reaching out to me specifically against all normal relationship rules and etiquette was God reminding me we all live this life.
You see this person is known to me only through two young teenagers, my son has fallen for her daughter. They used to go to school together in third grade and then we moved away, we went back to play in this alumni band thing and they met again. My shy son whom doesn't talk much came out of his shell and asked her for her number. They have been texting and facebooking and calling ever since. I in turn accepted a friend request and here we are. What a small world. To feel another mothers pain and worry from hours away without ever really meeting made me think of this today. You see this young girl has to have a fairly serious surgery tomorrow and as a mother I understand the insecurity and worry and doubt. We all have that in common. We want to protect and shelter our kids, do whats best for them and keep the hurts physical and emotional from ever touching them. I understand this- on a gut level I understand. I know what she is going through and my heart reaches out wishing I could take the worry away.
I love when God reminds me. You know that feeling of feeling all alone standing in the dark wishing that someone anyone would step forward take your hand and let you know your not alone. We have all felt it, we have all gone through it, but what don't we see?
We don't see this connection with every other person who is standing just outside our sight holding us up in their thoughts and embracing us with hugs of understanding. I think that God is there all the time we just don't always see him in and of ourselves. It is sometimes so hard to see beyond worry or grief or hurt but today - today I am reminded how alike we all are. Billions a very different people- different ethnicity- different beliefs- different jobs- different lives but we are all ONE. We are all people- with worries, concerns, hurts, joys, loves, and heart breaks. We have all been there.
I wish I could drive 6 hours and stand beside this woman I have never actually met face to face and just hold her hand. Just stand there and be there so she knows she is not alone. I think well- society would label me a weirdo and borderline stalker etc- I don't actually know this person.... But you know I have wanted someone to do that for me. I can't tell you how many time I wish someone would just show up and take my hand reminding me - I am not alone. So maybe if we all followed and did for someone else what we wish someone would do for us..... There wouldn't be so many people who felt so alone in this world.
Whether I have been through it before or they have or you only care about the same person this bond is there.
Today I opened my FaceBook page and read a comment and my heart reached of its own accord and I knew without a doubt I had been where this person is standing right now. I know exactly how she feels and even though I have never met this person face to face we have this common bond, and I knew her reaching out to me specifically against all normal relationship rules and etiquette was God reminding me we all live this life.
You see this person is known to me only through two young teenagers, my son has fallen for her daughter. They used to go to school together in third grade and then we moved away, we went back to play in this alumni band thing and they met again. My shy son whom doesn't talk much came out of his shell and asked her for her number. They have been texting and facebooking and calling ever since. I in turn accepted a friend request and here we are. What a small world. To feel another mothers pain and worry from hours away without ever really meeting made me think of this today. You see this young girl has to have a fairly serious surgery tomorrow and as a mother I understand the insecurity and worry and doubt. We all have that in common. We want to protect and shelter our kids, do whats best for them and keep the hurts physical and emotional from ever touching them. I understand this- on a gut level I understand. I know what she is going through and my heart reaches out wishing I could take the worry away.
I love when God reminds me. You know that feeling of feeling all alone standing in the dark wishing that someone anyone would step forward take your hand and let you know your not alone. We have all felt it, we have all gone through it, but what don't we see?
We don't see this connection with every other person who is standing just outside our sight holding us up in their thoughts and embracing us with hugs of understanding. I think that God is there all the time we just don't always see him in and of ourselves. It is sometimes so hard to see beyond worry or grief or hurt but today - today I am reminded how alike we all are. Billions a very different people- different ethnicity- different beliefs- different jobs- different lives but we are all ONE. We are all people- with worries, concerns, hurts, joys, loves, and heart breaks. We have all been there.
I wish I could drive 6 hours and stand beside this woman I have never actually met face to face and just hold her hand. Just stand there and be there so she knows she is not alone. I think well- society would label me a weirdo and borderline stalker etc- I don't actually know this person.... But you know I have wanted someone to do that for me. I can't tell you how many time I wish someone would just show up and take my hand reminding me - I am not alone. So maybe if we all followed and did for someone else what we wish someone would do for us..... There wouldn't be so many people who felt so alone in this world.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Life After Kids? Is it possible
I recently went skiing it was amazing! I had such a great time and I taught my husband, who swore he would get on a pair of skis about the time he ever got on a horse by himself. He is adventurous as long as it has an engine and he can putter with it. My loves when we got married were vast and varied- I didn't make much sense, probably still don't, but I loved skiing and horseback riding. I kind of gave these things up and no not for Paul but it just kind of happened. I knew Paul didn't like those things along with my theater interests and musical interests. I kept some of my interests and others just got compromised because spending time with each other was more important and besides if you have ever started having a family and you have 4 children under 8 and in-laws and family obligations you know what I mean, friends tend to slip away and get their feelings hurt because instead of going out you would rather SLEEP! As a young couple you have single friends and married career friends and then others that are in the same boat as you. I will tell you now the only ones you will keep and have actual relationships with are the ones the understand that life or life as you would like or know it is put on hold for the next 20 years until they are all off to college. Paul and I are discovering that lately. Only 2 out of the four are off and we still have more responsibilities then either of us enjoy but we are starting to discover that if we want any life left when the kids leave for lives of their own we have to try and cultivate some interests - activities- and hopefully old friends or new ones along the way.
If you know Paul and I you know we are not the go out party till dawn at the bar and dance all night kind of people. We are more the build a fire, roast marshmallows and watch the stars kind of people. We have become very inactive actually, I suppose that is from the idea that when everyone was finally in bed at night and there were no more requests for glasses or water or hugs and kisses goodnight the best possible feeling was to SIT down and DO nothing! I am telling you in the younger years - ask either Paul or I and we will tell you it was a better feeling then sex and just as orgasmic! Chasing boys all day long, your on a permanent jog just to avoid major injuries and catastrophic apocalyptic end of the world confrontations! I am not joking and only mothers and fathers of all male children can understand. You can not throw a girl in the midst because honestly it changes the whole dynamic and mellows everyone out. Or if you have less then three that also changes the way they relate to one another and you can keep it mostly under control. You see I was there I had three BEFORE I had four and all those people that tell you "aww whats one more? Once you get to three one more is nothing" Ummm I am here to tell you that is baloney! You add that fourth and you do not have enough hands or feet anymore to deal with them all even when it is BOTH of you trying to wrangle them into obedience.
Boys have 'IDEAS'! ufda do they ever. Have you ever in your life wondered how a cat would look launched from a catapult on the deck and if they would catch the tree on branch on the way by in midair or if they would land 200 ft away on their feet? It just isn't something I concern myself with because WHY would you even do that to a living animal? Answer is making sure its safe before they launch their baby brother. Yep such has been my life for years and I actually have good boys with brilliant brains. I have run into other mothers over the years and our bond is strong because when you answer you have only sons they instantly feel for you because they too deal with the 'creativity' of the male mind daily. It is obvious where these ideas come from when in the midst of trying to discipline your husband is trying not to laugh his head off and as soon as the door is shut he turns to you and says "wow that was creative. Do you think it would work on the possums?" WHAT?!?! I know my whole face blanched white and my mouth dropped open on that one, all I could do is shake my head. Words escape me.
Anyway so when you have done this for 20 years until your sending 2 off to college and you have a fifteen year old that has more brains then to actually follow through any more you sit back and breathe. At least that's what I have been doing. I have been sitting back and congratulating myself that they are all in one piece and relatively smart together young men. I have realized how much I do not even closely resemble who I was when I started this journey of Motherhood and without having to constantly be there for one clean up or another I also realize my marriage is nothing like I used to know. I know we all whether we have sons or daughters when we have children most parents begin knowing each other and likes and dislikes- carrying on conversations that never involve the kids and end going out for a night and having nothing to talk about BUT the kids.
For example the other night my husband turns to me and says this, " I really miss dating you." I agree I miss dating him too. Now we have gone out over the years the boys have had babysitters but for the most part we didn't go without the boys too much. By the time you come home three to four times and there has been a fire or a flood of the bathroom and the very harried sitter looks at you like you have bred satans spawn you tend not to want to deal with the fall out of going out. Now we have had great sitters too don't get me wrong and sitters the boys adored. We have gone away four times in our marriage for a long weekend. They were all wonderful and we enjoyed them so much but twice I came home pregnant and the other two times one of us ended up on crutches. We are kind of disastrous when it comes to getting away. Paul and I do great until the day we are supposed to come home. So anyway we decided we were going to go out that Friday night. We checked with everyone of the guys to make sure Isaiah wouldn't be home alone. Now it comes to Friday night and we are both ready to go out. We get down to the car - which is a mini van, and my husband says it is the biggest man deflater, he is a car guy he loves cars he had nice cars and trucks until we had kids but practically with four kids a mini van just makes sense- He comes around and opens my door and we get in. Paul starts the van and then turns to me, "What are we doing?" I look at him with a deer in the headlights look, he asked me out so I assumed he would take it from there. Nope. Yes we got out all ready for a date and neither of us had any clue what to do. We ended up eating supper and talking about the boys, graduation, college deadlines, and Isaiah's test dates. See we are BORING!
If that would have happened before the kids we would have snagged a hot dog - which upsets stomachs now- and walked and talked for hours or gone and sat on park bench or log and watched the stars. Fiances wouldn't have entered the conversation - hearts would have, Worry would have been the farthest thing from our minds- instead concern for our struggling child consumed most of the conversation.
So after the worst date in history, when our sons wanted us to go skiing I was so ready! It was active and I remember I enjoyed it so much. I have not been on a pair of downhill skis in 22 years. I went once after we were married but never went again because Paul didn't want to try. This time I asked him and he decided to try. At fifty years old he decides to try skiing, not because I asked but because his sons wanted him to go. He liked it. He never fell once and he was a natural. I did fall, I tore muscle and ended up on crutches but I haven't had a better date in a very long time, even with my niece and son with us the whole time.
So it got me thinking... how do you put together or pick up a life you left when the raising and rearing is over? I do not know but I am going to figure it out. We are still in these bodies labeled Mom and Dad. We still enjoy each others company and like most of the same things we always have. It is a matter of finding those people again and letting responsibilities slide for awhile. After all learning to not be responsible has to be easier then learning to know when a room is too quiet and you had better find them quick before something alive gets flushed down the toilet!
If you know Paul and I you know we are not the go out party till dawn at the bar and dance all night kind of people. We are more the build a fire, roast marshmallows and watch the stars kind of people. We have become very inactive actually, I suppose that is from the idea that when everyone was finally in bed at night and there were no more requests for glasses or water or hugs and kisses goodnight the best possible feeling was to SIT down and DO nothing! I am telling you in the younger years - ask either Paul or I and we will tell you it was a better feeling then sex and just as orgasmic! Chasing boys all day long, your on a permanent jog just to avoid major injuries and catastrophic apocalyptic end of the world confrontations! I am not joking and only mothers and fathers of all male children can understand. You can not throw a girl in the midst because honestly it changes the whole dynamic and mellows everyone out. Or if you have less then three that also changes the way they relate to one another and you can keep it mostly under control. You see I was there I had three BEFORE I had four and all those people that tell you "aww whats one more? Once you get to three one more is nothing" Ummm I am here to tell you that is baloney! You add that fourth and you do not have enough hands or feet anymore to deal with them all even when it is BOTH of you trying to wrangle them into obedience.
Boys have 'IDEAS'! ufda do they ever. Have you ever in your life wondered how a cat would look launched from a catapult on the deck and if they would catch the tree on branch on the way by in midair or if they would land 200 ft away on their feet? It just isn't something I concern myself with because WHY would you even do that to a living animal? Answer is making sure its safe before they launch their baby brother. Yep such has been my life for years and I actually have good boys with brilliant brains. I have run into other mothers over the years and our bond is strong because when you answer you have only sons they instantly feel for you because they too deal with the 'creativity' of the male mind daily. It is obvious where these ideas come from when in the midst of trying to discipline your husband is trying not to laugh his head off and as soon as the door is shut he turns to you and says "wow that was creative. Do you think it would work on the possums?" WHAT?!?! I know my whole face blanched white and my mouth dropped open on that one, all I could do is shake my head. Words escape me.
Anyway so when you have done this for 20 years until your sending 2 off to college and you have a fifteen year old that has more brains then to actually follow through any more you sit back and breathe. At least that's what I have been doing. I have been sitting back and congratulating myself that they are all in one piece and relatively smart together young men. I have realized how much I do not even closely resemble who I was when I started this journey of Motherhood and without having to constantly be there for one clean up or another I also realize my marriage is nothing like I used to know. I know we all whether we have sons or daughters when we have children most parents begin knowing each other and likes and dislikes- carrying on conversations that never involve the kids and end going out for a night and having nothing to talk about BUT the kids.
For example the other night my husband turns to me and says this, " I really miss dating you." I agree I miss dating him too. Now we have gone out over the years the boys have had babysitters but for the most part we didn't go without the boys too much. By the time you come home three to four times and there has been a fire or a flood of the bathroom and the very harried sitter looks at you like you have bred satans spawn you tend not to want to deal with the fall out of going out. Now we have had great sitters too don't get me wrong and sitters the boys adored. We have gone away four times in our marriage for a long weekend. They were all wonderful and we enjoyed them so much but twice I came home pregnant and the other two times one of us ended up on crutches. We are kind of disastrous when it comes to getting away. Paul and I do great until the day we are supposed to come home. So anyway we decided we were going to go out that Friday night. We checked with everyone of the guys to make sure Isaiah wouldn't be home alone. Now it comes to Friday night and we are both ready to go out. We get down to the car - which is a mini van, and my husband says it is the biggest man deflater, he is a car guy he loves cars he had nice cars and trucks until we had kids but practically with four kids a mini van just makes sense- He comes around and opens my door and we get in. Paul starts the van and then turns to me, "What are we doing?" I look at him with a deer in the headlights look, he asked me out so I assumed he would take it from there. Nope. Yes we got out all ready for a date and neither of us had any clue what to do. We ended up eating supper and talking about the boys, graduation, college deadlines, and Isaiah's test dates. See we are BORING!
If that would have happened before the kids we would have snagged a hot dog - which upsets stomachs now- and walked and talked for hours or gone and sat on park bench or log and watched the stars. Fiances wouldn't have entered the conversation - hearts would have, Worry would have been the farthest thing from our minds- instead concern for our struggling child consumed most of the conversation.
So after the worst date in history, when our sons wanted us to go skiing I was so ready! It was active and I remember I enjoyed it so much. I have not been on a pair of downhill skis in 22 years. I went once after we were married but never went again because Paul didn't want to try. This time I asked him and he decided to try. At fifty years old he decides to try skiing, not because I asked but because his sons wanted him to go. He liked it. He never fell once and he was a natural. I did fall, I tore muscle and ended up on crutches but I haven't had a better date in a very long time, even with my niece and son with us the whole time.
So it got me thinking... how do you put together or pick up a life you left when the raising and rearing is over? I do not know but I am going to figure it out. We are still in these bodies labeled Mom and Dad. We still enjoy each others company and like most of the same things we always have. It is a matter of finding those people again and letting responsibilities slide for awhile. After all learning to not be responsible has to be easier then learning to know when a room is too quiet and you had better find them quick before something alive gets flushed down the toilet!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Isaiah
Out of all my sons Isaiah's birth is relatively uneventful. It was a the easiest and the funniest at the same time. This is a story of a boy named Isaiah and how he came to be.
We were living in South Dakota at the time and I had a friend Amy, her daughter and Caleb were really close friends and we spent a lot of time together because Amy needed someone in her life. She was new at this stay at home Mom thing and I was an old hat at it. The boring and long hours and the never ending work, it all wears on a person after awhile and Amy was there. Her and her husband were trying to have another child, their daughter was 6 years old and they wanted to have another child. I had three sons and was done having children. I had been told by the doctors that I would not have another child or it would kill me and the baby would never make it to term after the birth of Aaron our third. Now I had been told this before, I was told at our check up and blood work for marriage that what my husband to be had told me was the case, we would never have children. Paul had a bad case of mumps as a little boy and he would never father a child and the odds of me having a child were slim because I was very tiny and my periods were severe and very abnormal. What do Doctors know? honestly I believe in Doctors most of the time but I believe in God more, if your supposed to have a child against all odds God is bigger then any Doctor. Paul and I were fine with never having children. Those of you that know us will laugh hysterically here but we really were. We had dreams and none of those dreams included children except in the case of my job. We were told this again and again and finally again after each child by 3 different Doctors- you will never carry another child blah blah blah... the medical speak and lectures carry on and on. Now just so you all know this also- Jonathan our oldest was a what in the world kind of thing. He was not planned or expected and when they told us we were pregnant they told us we would most likely miscarry within the first 3 months. We didn't. Caleb was actually planned for- we tried to have Caleb because we took the risks and wanted a sibling for Jonathan. Caleb wasn't difficult to conceive actually but to hang on to him wasn't easy either. After Caleb we were done, someday I will write down Aaron and the girls story but as for now suffice to say Aaron was born and then we were really done.
I had a ton of baby paraphernalia and decided to have a garage sale because I wouldn't need it any longer. So Amy and I took on the project, she was helping me out and would put some of her stuff on the sale along with she got first dibs at anything she thought she might like. During the getting ready for the sale it took two months as we did it slow and went through boxes of clothes and toys, Amy found out she was pregnant. So we went through with new excitement, we often joked I was having phantom pregnancy symptoms because I was just as tired as here some-days but that was also easily explained away because I have three boys under nine years of age and they were busy! The day of the sale was great, sunny and lots of people. I sold almost everything and anything that hadn't sold I immediately put in the back of Paul's pickup and he drove it down to the Salvation Army that evening. It was a success and Amy and I were celebrating with cold juice and putting our feet up. We were talking and made plans to get together and go shopping in Sioux Falls the next week when the kids had off school. That next week I got really sick and wasn't able to go. Amy came over even though I told her I probably had a bug and she should stay away. We sat around and let the kids play and she asked me a question. She asked me if it was possible that I was pregnant. I said no isn't possible and I told her about the boys and the doctors. She answered me with a smile and said well I think you are. I laughed out loud, I hadn't had a period/cycle since before Aaron's birth and he was 2 years old. Amy then did something that would change my course of life yet again, she pulled out a pregnancy test stick out of her purse explaining that hers had come in a package of two and she would like me to humor her and take the test. We both agreed it wasn't going to ever be used anyway and she was going to throw it away so... I took that pregnancy test to prove a point. She told me she thought my hips had widened and my breasts had gotten bigger along with a list of other 'symptoms' I said nope I am just getting fatter in my old age and haven't been able to lose the weight from Aaron yet. So to end the argument I took the test. Set it on a paper towel right in the middle of the table when I was done and got the kids a snack so they could watch a Barney show before Amy went home. After the Barney show the kids were squirmy and I was trying to potty train Aaron at the time, I was in the bathroom with Aaron and I heard Amy laughing her head off then calling to Allie to get her shoes because they had to go. I came out and asked what was up, I thought she had gotten a phone call from her husband or something. Instead she was holding that lovely little stick with two blue lines. She then said I would say I told you so but I don't want to be here when you have to tell Paul, as she is laughing hysterically. I had just sold every baby item I owned, the crib was gone, the changing table was gone, the high chair too because Aaron liked to sit on a booster seat at the table. I was in shock, I looked at that stupid stick every which way and it still read positive. I left it on the table and proceeded to get supper ready.
Now you all know Paul is a level headed man. He is patient to a fault most days and over the years I can honestly say the only thing that upsets him is his sons lack of obedience and his concern if his wife is in mortal danger. Now so that you all understand, I died on the operating table- flat lined during Jonathan's birth and they brought me back. Caleb almost died during his birth and I had major complications from checking myself out of the hospital to be with him in the NICU. And I had been on total bed rest with a home health nurse checking on me everyday and hooked up to monitors and IV's for 7 months of Aaron's birth and we lost the girls and almost lost Aaron. You see me and pregnancy really have never been on good terms or even speaking terms most of the time. So it is understandable what happened next. Paul came home that night and played with the boys when he walked in the door like every night. Then he came to help set the table for supper and he saw the test. He picked it up and came into the kitchen carrying it, asking me what it was. I said what does it look like. His comment was to laugh and say that it looked like Amy and I were trying to make him sweat... remember Amy is pregnant and Paul thought we were pulling a joke on him. I said no its mine, and told him exactly how things had gone down that afternoon. He looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. He set the test down and walked out the door. I fed the boys and put them to bed alone that night. Paul has never told me where he went and knowing Paul I am pretty sure he just drove and had a argument with God. He came home in the wee hours of the morning, crawled into bed and held me while we cried. I know in that moment we were both surrendering to God yet one more time because his plan for our lives was not our plan.
I went to the Doctor the next day to confirm and he did confirm. He did some tests and then put me in for an ultrasound. There were two heartbeats that day and two little blobs of developing fingers and toes. In the next months I would feel better then any other pregnancy I had been through, until that day I was leading VBS singing and I felt a cramp and a pinch. I miscarried one of those little heartbeats that day. I was put on bed rest at home but I could get up to the bathroom and even go up and down the stairs in the morning and evening. In the end when it came time to deliver we chose to deliver with my Doctor in MN. He had been through it more time and we felt safer with him. More confident that he could handle whatever arose on the operating table. We were right in our decision. Isaiah Mark Lee was born at 10:10 am on 3-6-2000. He was born without incident. Both Mom and Baby were healthy and were able to leave the hospital within three days. I was up and walking within two hours of the surgery and holding Isaiah in the recovery room. Our youngest, also a little red head was born perfectly and easily for a C-Section birth but like the Doc said I had had enough complications over the years to last a lifetime already. He also tied my tubes that day... again... but this too would not end the complications five years later I would have two 13 pound tumors removed along with a total hysterectomy. Do I miss and wish I could have more children? Yes some days I suppose- because I would be lost without the ones I have. God knew exactly what he was doing with every one of them and they are true blessings.
Isaiah is now 12. He is funny, sarcastic, and is built like a line backer. He has a sweet heart and a kind shy smile. He is a very shy child and loves hanging out with Mom and Dad. His hero is his brother Jonathan, his nemesis is his brother Aaron, and he looks to Caleb if he needs answers. He is dependent on his family structure and is rarely afraid to try anything if we are near. He does not like public school, he does not do well with his peer set he thinks spit wads and teasing of girls is dumb. He thinks most boys his age are silly and why would they say or do some of those things when it hurts other peoples feelings. Isaiah can always make his Mom laugh, frustrate his Dad, infuriate his brothers, and cause everyone to argue just but sitting still in a room. He is special- and I am so thankful for those silly blue lines that my friend made me face.
We were living in South Dakota at the time and I had a friend Amy, her daughter and Caleb were really close friends and we spent a lot of time together because Amy needed someone in her life. She was new at this stay at home Mom thing and I was an old hat at it. The boring and long hours and the never ending work, it all wears on a person after awhile and Amy was there. Her and her husband were trying to have another child, their daughter was 6 years old and they wanted to have another child. I had three sons and was done having children. I had been told by the doctors that I would not have another child or it would kill me and the baby would never make it to term after the birth of Aaron our third. Now I had been told this before, I was told at our check up and blood work for marriage that what my husband to be had told me was the case, we would never have children. Paul had a bad case of mumps as a little boy and he would never father a child and the odds of me having a child were slim because I was very tiny and my periods were severe and very abnormal. What do Doctors know? honestly I believe in Doctors most of the time but I believe in God more, if your supposed to have a child against all odds God is bigger then any Doctor. Paul and I were fine with never having children. Those of you that know us will laugh hysterically here but we really were. We had dreams and none of those dreams included children except in the case of my job. We were told this again and again and finally again after each child by 3 different Doctors- you will never carry another child blah blah blah... the medical speak and lectures carry on and on. Now just so you all know this also- Jonathan our oldest was a what in the world kind of thing. He was not planned or expected and when they told us we were pregnant they told us we would most likely miscarry within the first 3 months. We didn't. Caleb was actually planned for- we tried to have Caleb because we took the risks and wanted a sibling for Jonathan. Caleb wasn't difficult to conceive actually but to hang on to him wasn't easy either. After Caleb we were done, someday I will write down Aaron and the girls story but as for now suffice to say Aaron was born and then we were really done.
I had a ton of baby paraphernalia and decided to have a garage sale because I wouldn't need it any longer. So Amy and I took on the project, she was helping me out and would put some of her stuff on the sale along with she got first dibs at anything she thought she might like. During the getting ready for the sale it took two months as we did it slow and went through boxes of clothes and toys, Amy found out she was pregnant. So we went through with new excitement, we often joked I was having phantom pregnancy symptoms because I was just as tired as here some-days but that was also easily explained away because I have three boys under nine years of age and they were busy! The day of the sale was great, sunny and lots of people. I sold almost everything and anything that hadn't sold I immediately put in the back of Paul's pickup and he drove it down to the Salvation Army that evening. It was a success and Amy and I were celebrating with cold juice and putting our feet up. We were talking and made plans to get together and go shopping in Sioux Falls the next week when the kids had off school. That next week I got really sick and wasn't able to go. Amy came over even though I told her I probably had a bug and she should stay away. We sat around and let the kids play and she asked me a question. She asked me if it was possible that I was pregnant. I said no isn't possible and I told her about the boys and the doctors. She answered me with a smile and said well I think you are. I laughed out loud, I hadn't had a period/cycle since before Aaron's birth and he was 2 years old. Amy then did something that would change my course of life yet again, she pulled out a pregnancy test stick out of her purse explaining that hers had come in a package of two and she would like me to humor her and take the test. We both agreed it wasn't going to ever be used anyway and she was going to throw it away so... I took that pregnancy test to prove a point. She told me she thought my hips had widened and my breasts had gotten bigger along with a list of other 'symptoms' I said nope I am just getting fatter in my old age and haven't been able to lose the weight from Aaron yet. So to end the argument I took the test. Set it on a paper towel right in the middle of the table when I was done and got the kids a snack so they could watch a Barney show before Amy went home. After the Barney show the kids were squirmy and I was trying to potty train Aaron at the time, I was in the bathroom with Aaron and I heard Amy laughing her head off then calling to Allie to get her shoes because they had to go. I came out and asked what was up, I thought she had gotten a phone call from her husband or something. Instead she was holding that lovely little stick with two blue lines. She then said I would say I told you so but I don't want to be here when you have to tell Paul, as she is laughing hysterically. I had just sold every baby item I owned, the crib was gone, the changing table was gone, the high chair too because Aaron liked to sit on a booster seat at the table. I was in shock, I looked at that stupid stick every which way and it still read positive. I left it on the table and proceeded to get supper ready.
Now you all know Paul is a level headed man. He is patient to a fault most days and over the years I can honestly say the only thing that upsets him is his sons lack of obedience and his concern if his wife is in mortal danger. Now so that you all understand, I died on the operating table- flat lined during Jonathan's birth and they brought me back. Caleb almost died during his birth and I had major complications from checking myself out of the hospital to be with him in the NICU. And I had been on total bed rest with a home health nurse checking on me everyday and hooked up to monitors and IV's for 7 months of Aaron's birth and we lost the girls and almost lost Aaron. You see me and pregnancy really have never been on good terms or even speaking terms most of the time. So it is understandable what happened next. Paul came home that night and played with the boys when he walked in the door like every night. Then he came to help set the table for supper and he saw the test. He picked it up and came into the kitchen carrying it, asking me what it was. I said what does it look like. His comment was to laugh and say that it looked like Amy and I were trying to make him sweat... remember Amy is pregnant and Paul thought we were pulling a joke on him. I said no its mine, and told him exactly how things had gone down that afternoon. He looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. He set the test down and walked out the door. I fed the boys and put them to bed alone that night. Paul has never told me where he went and knowing Paul I am pretty sure he just drove and had a argument with God. He came home in the wee hours of the morning, crawled into bed and held me while we cried. I know in that moment we were both surrendering to God yet one more time because his plan for our lives was not our plan.
I went to the Doctor the next day to confirm and he did confirm. He did some tests and then put me in for an ultrasound. There were two heartbeats that day and two little blobs of developing fingers and toes. In the next months I would feel better then any other pregnancy I had been through, until that day I was leading VBS singing and I felt a cramp and a pinch. I miscarried one of those little heartbeats that day. I was put on bed rest at home but I could get up to the bathroom and even go up and down the stairs in the morning and evening. In the end when it came time to deliver we chose to deliver with my Doctor in MN. He had been through it more time and we felt safer with him. More confident that he could handle whatever arose on the operating table. We were right in our decision. Isaiah Mark Lee was born at 10:10 am on 3-6-2000. He was born without incident. Both Mom and Baby were healthy and were able to leave the hospital within three days. I was up and walking within two hours of the surgery and holding Isaiah in the recovery room. Our youngest, also a little red head was born perfectly and easily for a C-Section birth but like the Doc said I had had enough complications over the years to last a lifetime already. He also tied my tubes that day... again... but this too would not end the complications five years later I would have two 13 pound tumors removed along with a total hysterectomy. Do I miss and wish I could have more children? Yes some days I suppose- because I would be lost without the ones I have. God knew exactly what he was doing with every one of them and they are true blessings.
Isaiah is now 12. He is funny, sarcastic, and is built like a line backer. He has a sweet heart and a kind shy smile. He is a very shy child and loves hanging out with Mom and Dad. His hero is his brother Jonathan, his nemesis is his brother Aaron, and he looks to Caleb if he needs answers. He is dependent on his family structure and is rarely afraid to try anything if we are near. He does not like public school, he does not do well with his peer set he thinks spit wads and teasing of girls is dumb. He thinks most boys his age are silly and why would they say or do some of those things when it hurts other peoples feelings. Isaiah can always make his Mom laugh, frustrate his Dad, infuriate his brothers, and cause everyone to argue just but sitting still in a room. He is special- and I am so thankful for those silly blue lines that my friend made me face.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Courageous
In the last few months to years of my life I have noticed it spinning out of control. Now I never have had control of my life, I never have because at the age of 7 years I turned my life over- I gave it to God. It has never been my life to live, not that I haven't fought him for control more then once. I have been struggling with a bunch of stuff lately and in the last 24 hours it has come crashing down on me all at once. I have always been able to pick myself up and move on......
As a child I over came many things. I remember with clarity the day my Grandpa Lavelle fell off the step of the truck and had a heart attack and died. You see I was there right across the yard and he was my Grandpa and I was his little princess. We lived right in the yard at the time and I spent more hours on Grandpa's knee "smoking" a pipe with him listening to him then I did with anyone else. After that day I was lost in the Walkup family, I was very young and didn't understand, and through no ones fault except grief no one noticed or explained. I remember many of my uncles trying to make up for Grandpa though. Uncle Bill painted an old trike up all pretty for me and I yelled at him because it was the wrong color. I screamed at our dog Dixie all the way home one day as she literally pulled me by my dress back to the yard, I had walked down the road and the ditch was full of water my toy had fallen in the ditch and that dog wouldn't let me get it out. That dog saved my life without her I would have drowned in that ditch. I kept pushing the limits. I was headstrong and had a Mother and Father who worked to many hours and had two younger children to care for, they did the best they could trying to make ends meet and raise a family. As I grew circumstances made me stand up to bullies and then go home and cry because I was too scared to use the restroom at school or eat in the lunchroom. I have always been a contradiction just ask my Mom.
I have never found it hard to find strength for someone else. To hold them up to make sure they get what they need. To stand up to others for undermining or picking on them. For me to stand in front of someone and protect them and shield them help them to overcome and grow strong again has never been hard. Its standing up for myself that is the impossible. I constantly ask God for strength. I constantly battle internally for the confidence in who God has made me and why I am here. Some days are easier then others.
I wrote yesterday in a blog and I literally poured out my heart in a personal nature because I felt ready to explode, most days are not like that yesterday just was. I do not know why I wrote it all down and posted it even because usually those little self doubting are saved for my journal where no one can read. Now do I regret what I said? No, it is exactly what I was feeling at the time, but everyone should remember we all have moments of weakness and we all have bad days. Just we don't all write about them for everyone to read!
As I look back on the last couple years I realized all I am starting to write about it the bad times... maybe it is me working through old stuff that keeps coming up or its just me venting to get it out so that I can continue to give to everyone around me. I am not sure the reason but I realize I need to be stronger then that.
I am stronger- I am a woman who has taken in her dying in-laws nursing them until the last of their days- I am a woman who survived high school opening my locker to find girls and guys underwear covered in ketchup and the word SLUT written all over, I calmly collected my books and attended all my classes for the rest of the day- I am a woman who over came a teen pregnancy scare, a road of personal destruction because I was so hurt by others in my life- I am a woman who held her head high and functioned so no one would know how devastated I was inside- I am a wife, who others told on her wedding night that I was making the biggest mistake of my life- I am a wife who still loves her husband 23 years later and have been faithful to him- I am a mom who was told I must have had an affair because were we never supposed to have children- I am a mom who survived 75 hours of labor and flat lined on the table giving birth to her first born son- I am a mom who sat for countless hours breathing for and with her child during asthma attacks when they weren't sure he would live to the next morning- I am a mom who gave birth a second time against all odds to a son who they told us would die in the NICU before I was able to even get there- I am a mom who checked herself out of the hospital against doctors orders and went to be there and hold her dying son- I am a mom who nursed that child and within one week had given him my strength to live against all odds the doctor called it a true miracle- I am a mom who they said would never have a child and I had four- I am a mom who sat in the middle of a flood with her baby who had RSV and stayed with him day and night holding and climbing into the tent with him to let him know he was safe and could sleep because I was there to make sure nothing happened to him- I am a mom who had held her children through the nights and supported them through everyday- I am a mom who BELIEVED no matter what I was told that my son was brilliant when they told me he had brain damage- I am a women who took in others children and loved them with my whole being because they didn't feel lovable- I am a woman who when called in the middle of the night picks up the phone to talk to the high, the drunk, and the scared because I CARE- I am a woman who goes without groceries to buy a plane ticket for a child who says "I can't stop taking the drugs no one cares enough to help me stop" and I say just get on the plane I care enough to help you stop- I am a woman who drops everything because my Mom needs help- I am a woman who moves back to an area so that I can be there for those who need me- but most of all I am a woman who rely's on God everyday to give me the courage to do what I need to do.
Yes, at times I forget and am exhausted and scared that I am not enough. It is human nature but what I forget is not that I am enough but that GOD is enough through me.
As a child I over came many things. I remember with clarity the day my Grandpa Lavelle fell off the step of the truck and had a heart attack and died. You see I was there right across the yard and he was my Grandpa and I was his little princess. We lived right in the yard at the time and I spent more hours on Grandpa's knee "smoking" a pipe with him listening to him then I did with anyone else. After that day I was lost in the Walkup family, I was very young and didn't understand, and through no ones fault except grief no one noticed or explained. I remember many of my uncles trying to make up for Grandpa though. Uncle Bill painted an old trike up all pretty for me and I yelled at him because it was the wrong color. I screamed at our dog Dixie all the way home one day as she literally pulled me by my dress back to the yard, I had walked down the road and the ditch was full of water my toy had fallen in the ditch and that dog wouldn't let me get it out. That dog saved my life without her I would have drowned in that ditch. I kept pushing the limits. I was headstrong and had a Mother and Father who worked to many hours and had two younger children to care for, they did the best they could trying to make ends meet and raise a family. As I grew circumstances made me stand up to bullies and then go home and cry because I was too scared to use the restroom at school or eat in the lunchroom. I have always been a contradiction just ask my Mom.
I have never found it hard to find strength for someone else. To hold them up to make sure they get what they need. To stand up to others for undermining or picking on them. For me to stand in front of someone and protect them and shield them help them to overcome and grow strong again has never been hard. Its standing up for myself that is the impossible. I constantly ask God for strength. I constantly battle internally for the confidence in who God has made me and why I am here. Some days are easier then others.
I wrote yesterday in a blog and I literally poured out my heart in a personal nature because I felt ready to explode, most days are not like that yesterday just was. I do not know why I wrote it all down and posted it even because usually those little self doubting are saved for my journal where no one can read. Now do I regret what I said? No, it is exactly what I was feeling at the time, but everyone should remember we all have moments of weakness and we all have bad days. Just we don't all write about them for everyone to read!
As I look back on the last couple years I realized all I am starting to write about it the bad times... maybe it is me working through old stuff that keeps coming up or its just me venting to get it out so that I can continue to give to everyone around me. I am not sure the reason but I realize I need to be stronger then that.
I am stronger- I am a woman who has taken in her dying in-laws nursing them until the last of their days- I am a woman who survived high school opening my locker to find girls and guys underwear covered in ketchup and the word SLUT written all over, I calmly collected my books and attended all my classes for the rest of the day- I am a woman who over came a teen pregnancy scare, a road of personal destruction because I was so hurt by others in my life- I am a woman who held her head high and functioned so no one would know how devastated I was inside- I am a wife, who others told on her wedding night that I was making the biggest mistake of my life- I am a wife who still loves her husband 23 years later and have been faithful to him- I am a mom who was told I must have had an affair because were we never supposed to have children- I am a mom who survived 75 hours of labor and flat lined on the table giving birth to her first born son- I am a mom who sat for countless hours breathing for and with her child during asthma attacks when they weren't sure he would live to the next morning- I am a mom who gave birth a second time against all odds to a son who they told us would die in the NICU before I was able to even get there- I am a mom who checked herself out of the hospital against doctors orders and went to be there and hold her dying son- I am a mom who nursed that child and within one week had given him my strength to live against all odds the doctor called it a true miracle- I am a mom who they said would never have a child and I had four- I am a mom who sat in the middle of a flood with her baby who had RSV and stayed with him day and night holding and climbing into the tent with him to let him know he was safe and could sleep because I was there to make sure nothing happened to him- I am a mom who had held her children through the nights and supported them through everyday- I am a mom who BELIEVED no matter what I was told that my son was brilliant when they told me he had brain damage- I am a women who took in others children and loved them with my whole being because they didn't feel lovable- I am a woman who when called in the middle of the night picks up the phone to talk to the high, the drunk, and the scared because I CARE- I am a woman who goes without groceries to buy a plane ticket for a child who says "I can't stop taking the drugs no one cares enough to help me stop" and I say just get on the plane I care enough to help you stop- I am a woman who drops everything because my Mom needs help- I am a woman who moves back to an area so that I can be there for those who need me- but most of all I am a woman who rely's on God everyday to give me the courage to do what I need to do.
Yes, at times I forget and am exhausted and scared that I am not enough. It is human nature but what I forget is not that I am enough but that GOD is enough through me.
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