I haven't written in over a month, well at least not here. I have been praying and through much in the last month. Our family has made discoveries, has grown, has experienced joy, and experienced heartbreak and also sorrow. I am not good at keeping secrets of my own, I am too much of an open book. My husband says this is a good thing but I myself wonder sometimes. I can keep others secrets, not mutter a word but my own? Now why is it that I feel the need to express everything and anything I am going through to anyone? I really have never figured that out, and believe me my life would be so much easier if I could put on this mask and no one could see behind it or into it. They would never know when I am struggling or when something has me tied in knots, or when I have been so badly betrayed it has hurt my heart. As I just reread what I wrote I am reminded of WHY I do not do that anymore, because I used to do that so much when I was younger and acting. No one knew who I was, even myself, so yea I know it would be easier in someways but so much harder in others. I like me, I like who I have become. I like that I actually care about people, that they matter to me even if I don't matter to them.
Paul and I were talking last night late into the night, just talking through with each other like we always do, and he reminded me that yes, I often times care to much. I get used a lot and invest in people only to have them get what they need from me and move on to the next person they need something from, but Paul reminded me that it really doesn't matter. I enjoy helping and I do genuinely care and want to help if I can, so really no one is taking anything I am not giving freely. Do I get battered and bruised? Of course, and it hurts me. At times it slices through my heart, and I could become very bitter but why? I know some very closed bitter people and they just aren't fun people so why would I do that to myself? I agree, I wouldn't. So I will continue to give and be okay with whatever results come of it. I will continue to care and know that every time I do that I am being honest with myself and true to who I am. I hope that this is what my kids will remember and take with them into the future. Not that their Mother was often a door mat for others but more the fact that their Mom cared about others and tried to love like Jesus does shedding a light and planting a seed that I may never know what becomes of but being confident that I was true to me and thankful for those who actually care to get to know me and befriend me on life's walk.
As my husband turned to me last night and reminded me, he is proud of who I am and loves my heart and my ability to be blind and only see the good in people, I realized how blessed I am. I am able to be that person because my husband is there to hold me and listen to me when my heart is broken. He is there to put it back together so that I can be who I am and continue to love others. With him and God filling my heart with love it will always have enough to give away, even when its never returned.
