Today was a catch up day for me, I caught up with life- chores- and people, and as I was catching up I had a conversation that left me wondering, or maybe just puzzling. I would say this person and I are good friends, not besties or the equivalent that so many people have now days but friends that when a sounding board is needed they know where to go. Today I was that sounding board and as I listened I came up with an idea and some advice, so I shared this advice. (By the way I cleared that I could use this instance just not names ;) I am not breaking any confidences nor would I)
I shared my insights and thoughts and this is what I got in return. " You know I love you but really, there is no way with your charmed life you could ever understand heartbreak and utter hopelessness." I agreed I don't know exactly what they are going through and we moved on,
but I started really thinking on the comment afterwards and mulling as I tend to do. My boys would call it obsessing over a comment, and then matching all the pieces until they fit and I find out more then they ever wanted me to know. I started thinking about my life and counting those hopeless moments, and yes I have had them. Over the years I would say yes, I am a very blessed individual. I have a set of parent who are still together and are solid. They love me and always have, even when I have been a disappointment to them; which by the way is quite a bit. I am not as successful as my sister or brother but my success as my mother tells me is measured differently, and now years into my life I am finally beginning to believe her. I have always struggled with self confidence, I am not outgoing like my siblings and I did not inherit the gift of gab that my family has or comes so easily to them. I giggle and laugh with nerves instead or stay quiet and leave the impression I am 'stuck up' or a 'snob'. That was the label from High School a lot.
I have an amazing husband and a incredible marriage but that requires a lot of work, years of work and sometimes we both would rather just coast but we know that is exactly what kills marriages so we buckle down and do the extra minutes and time, or even the extra fight when we are both exhausted if that's what it takes. I have four miracles that live and have been birthed out of my body. They have left their scars and damage to my health and body and none of them were easy to get here but they were worth every minute of pain or worry. Those boys are good boys talented boys and great sons, but here again its not a charmed thing. It took work, hard work and still does. Even when it would be easier to let them go their own way, not to have those arguments or hold them to standards we have set forth; and honestly that took a lot of work, Paul and I as parents embarked on a journey and we decided to raise our boys a certain way, a lot of thought and planning went into that- and then tons more when all the carefully laid plans flew out the window and we had to scrap what we had planned and roll with it and adjust to the role and the child and their personalities. We learned, we grew, and we adjusted, but it was all work.
As for the hopeless disparagement of life I have felt it, not the same I am sure and possibly not as bad as others in worse situations. As I thought on it today I had three of those moment thrown in my face by my mind.
Unfortunately one of those moments played out on Facebook even, five years ago. I know now that a child needed attention she wasn't getting and was angry at me and only wanted to make me pay and lose everything she thought was important to me. I was devastated. I was so lonely and really didn't fit into the new life we had moved into, I was still hurting and having nightmares over Paul's Dad's death and his Mom's too, feeling like I failed them and should have been able to more. Which is crazy in hindsight, they were dying and I made them as comfortable as I could and made sure they both knew how much they meant to all of us and their grandsons got to spend time with them. I thought I had made some friends and in hindsight I should have known better. When you move into a small community that is mostly related to one another the chances of someone having your back is slim, they may tell you your in the right but for fear of hurting those in their family they will only support you in silence. It got worse before it got better as it always seems to do. I even met someone from MN, I was having medical problems and had had two surgeries when this person approached me and asked if I would help. It was something I loved to do and it was once again working with kids so I said yes. I supported and bent over backwards to be the best friend and help this person adjust to living where we were and incredible loss. Instead this person when another parent came after my family didn't back us up but for 'our own good' decided to be neutral. This cut me to the quick and I felt like I had the worst judgment of people of anyone ever.
This was not the first time this had happened to me in life, as in high school it also happened. I went through some pretty awful stuff in high school culminating with opening my locker one day and finding mens underwear and womens panties all covered in ketchup with a sign 'whore' written in red marker greeting me. I lost the best friends I had had for years because I didn't talk to anyone and avoided them when they would seek me out because I didn't trust them after they withheld something from me. At the time it was my lifeline and it shouldn't have been but it was. The only person who knew what was going on in my life, but he was dating one of my best friends and the others kept it from me and they knew, he was still dating me too. In one fell swoop I lost them all. Part of it was me, they didn't know what was going on with me. I was great at avoiding or playing the role of happy confident high-schooler, it got me through school.
It is so weird to be writing about these things now, they have no sting even in my life, but it isn't because at the time they weren't devastating it is because hindsight is so much easier! I am starting to forge bridges now with those old friends from high school, and every time I fight with my conscious to not be distrustful. Forgiveness ~ a word with so much power, and yes that is what I had to finally do in all these instances where I have been hopeless. I had to turn it over to God and forgive them all for everything, for me and my health and my peace of mind so that I could live the life I want to live.
I want to let God take care of others and their motives, I try not to let it be a factor in my befriending or helping anyone because I am not doing it for me I want to do it for His glory instead.
I trust, I believe in the good in people, I love, and I care. I am not perfect and yep- I have really bad days, some-days I have to fight with myself to live the life I want, just like I have to fight for my kids- or for my marriage. Life is some-days just a fight- but I am never in it alone, God is always holding me up so I can smile and fight harder for who I want to be in life, because ultimately we- God and I- have the same goals, he is also fighting for who he wants me to be.
I will change- I will grow and I will forgive and be thankful, for as I look back I see God there removing the things/ people in my life who are detrimental to my well being and the hopeless overwhelming feeling that takes away my joy to live everyday to show God's love through me.
So no I am not charmed... I have not led a charmed life.... But I AM BLESSED... and I DO trust in GOD to take care of the rest.