I have been so swamped with life that to sit down and write has been the last thing on my mind, yet the first. There are so many things that I crave to put to paper just to get them out but haven't had the time or energy. In the last 4 months time has flown yet crawled at a snails pace as the changes in our lives have taken place. Some of those changes are so heart wrenching and difficult I can barely think of them without tears flooding my eyes and others I think of with great joy.
Moving.... what to say about moving. if you have ever moved you know how difficult every move is. If you have ever moved with kids you now know how very exhausting and even more difficult it is because the emotional wear on them is twice as difficult for us as parents to watch and go through, so we have their moving baggage along with our own. As an adult moving is scary and lonely along with utterly exhausting. It is hard to fit into a new life and new people, even when it is a "coming home" sort of thing. Everyone has their lives and the people they hang out with or b-que with or even just talk to on the weekends. as a person uprooted and moving into their area and lives no one quite knows what to do with you. So they do nothing most of the time. They continue with their lives and think well they are too busy for us anyway they have their own lives. This may be the case sometimes but really most of the time even as adults we are back in grade school, sitting at the lunch table all alone waiting for someone to ask us to join them. I know exactly what that feels like as I have gone through it 20 times in my life just after becoming an adult, I won't even go into how many times in school I went through it. as I watch my little 11 year old struggle, he is so shy and instead of someone befriending him they walk up to him and call him anti-social on the playground. He is like I was, I guess in many ways still am, he doesn't want to intrude or be bossy and he doesn't think they will like him so he keeps to himself not knowing what to say. this is understandable but heartbreaking because you see I can't help him. I still do this myself, sitting in Church too unsure of myself and feeling everyone judge me that I stay in my seat and am quiet. There is a plus side to this, I only have one child that is suffering from this crippling shyness. Jonathan used to be and so did Caleb but they outgrew it. Aaron was born with it and screamed at everyone who even looked at him besides his Dad and I for the first 3 years of his life, then he too became this outgoing person that can make friends with anyone. So Isaiah is left, I do everything in my power to help him make friends and involve him in things that will help him come into contact with other kids his age but it isn't enough. He still feels like everyone thinks he is dumb and he isn't fun enough to be friends with. Isaiah struggles with school. He is about a grade and half behind his peers, and that is a considerable improvement from where he was last year at this time. Isaiah was entering 4th grade and reading at a low 2nd grade level. Reading is hard for him and he doesn't understand most directions until someone explains it to him 3 or 4 different ways, and he will still ask you questions and self doubt himself if he is doing it right. We are really struggling with this right now because we thought maybe this year it would be good to get him back into public school. It has been a nightmare, literally. He got sick, which he is like his brother Jonathan used to be- he picks up every bug and when he gets ill it is usually hospitalization worthy. He has bronchitis and has been out of school now for a week and on 2 different medications and it still isn't seeming to help him. His breathing is labored and the Doctor is concerned. The school on the other hand acts like we are letting him stay home because he is anxious even after they received the Doctors note. I really don't want to start a fight with the school district already but honestly that is what I have to do in 45 minutes from now, as I have been summoned for a meeting in the principals office. Not to mention my agitation and nerves because of my panic and anxiety that I fight everyday but the week I have had with little sleep and caring for a sick child along with waking and holding him through the night when his nightmares come every night. I have also been dealing with a husband with a totally new job and overwhelming feeling bolstering him and reminding him he is a great provider and an incredible man, and two other sons in the high school scene, both are doing well but listening to them takes time and energy too, and the one who is again starting college and even though things are going great for him, we all worry about him because he is starting his future in so many ways. So yes I am stretched to the limit.
I often times wonder what it would be like to have a friend in my life who even in the craziness of their own lives would stop and check in or give a call just to say, "hey let's take a break and just go for a walk". I don't have that in my life. I never have, I try to be that to others though but most of the time I feel like I fail them anyway no matter how hard I try. I wish life was easy, I wish that I could be everything to everyone that they want me to be or need me to be at the time, I can't. I know I am totally incapable of being what others need me to be. I care but I can't fix anything, and this is where my faith comes in. I rely on my faith a lot. Faith, my Bible and praise music are sometimes the only things holding me together. I don't see any of this as bad, but I wish I was stronger. I am a very insecure person, always have been. I have never felt confident in myself. I have come a long way from the younger years but I still am not there. My goal is to believe that I am just as good as everyone else, that God made me just the way he wanted me and God doesn't make mistakes, even on the days I feel like one. I also would like to have friends. I know I have the same desires as my youngest son, which is comical, but true. I would like to experience a friendship that was truly a REAL friendship, with other women! I have a best friend- and believe me he understands me better then anyone else. Paul is an amazing man and he deserves so much better then me but I am so thankful he sees my heart and not my insecurities. I also am extremely blessed because I have 4 sons whom if asked will answer you, "my Mom and Dad are my best friend's". I am blessed to have gotten great kids, or done something right in life. Not many parents are claimed by their teen children or be called their best friends.
Anyway this has been my life for the last couple months, to add to that the tests are starting all over for me, the cancer screenings and all else. Mayo clinic feels that the Doctors in Craig missed something. I know, I could have told them that, but it is a very really feeling when you feel sick but don't have time to be sick. I am needed and I know that I need to push through and not think about me right now. Sometime's that is really difficult but for the most part I am a pro at it, I just wish I didn't have to be.
Yep- all this to say I am hurt, broken, and tired. it is amazing how the world goes on. I have to put it all in God's hands and let him deal with it all the financial pressure, the social pressure, the pressure period! If anyone would like to pray for me I would appreciate the strength. I have to go but thank you for letting me vent today and to let my real self be seen- insecurities and all.
God Bless you all today and may he richly touch each of your lives today and when you feel that may you know I think of you all and pray for you daily.