Friday, February 4, 2011

Good For My soul

I haven't had much sleep in the last few nights, my Mother called. I love my Mom with my whole heart and there are times in life I really couldn't have gotten through without her. There are also times that have been made harder because of my Mom. Mom and I have a pretty typical Mother/Daughter relationship I would say, ups and downs are a given. I am not the favorite, or the independent one. My sister is the strong one, my brother is the brilliant one and they are both the independent ones. Me... well I am the one that 'settled'. I am the one that studied acting and theater being totally impractical instead of going to beautician school like my Daddy wanted me to do. I decided to move out and get married having too many kids. Now, she loves her grandsons all of them but she did not like me trying to have them and thought after Jonathan I should have quit, which is exactly what I would expect from a Mom who doesn't like to see her baby struggle even though I was and am a grown woman. I had horrendous pregnancies and having all four boys wasn't at all easy on me or my body. That in itself is 4 stories waiting to be written sometime but not today.
My Mom has always tolerated me acting, didn't matter what show or what I was doing or where I was she has always disliked it though. I never understood why, still don't. Don't get me wrong she was always attended when she can, even helped with costumes when I was in High School productions, but her actions of support never mirrored her words.
Now I have always been independent in my own way and a bit rebellious to a certain extent, being involved in the theater department wherever I have been in life has been my own little piece of sanity. I am so at home on a stage, the chance to be someone else and live another's life for even a few hours in a dark theater has a way of making me appreciate my own life and process my trial and troubles. This has continued for many years and slowly has developed into my directing. Studying the craft of acting and directing are totally different and many people that can act have no clue when it comes to directing or vice-a-versa . I am not one of those people, from early on I could pick up a script and read through it and the blocking and the staging just came together and I would see the whole show in my head. I have always been at ease with stage directions never confusing left from right stage or upstage from downstage. I have always known what the wings are and the apron of the stage, and have always had a knack for breaking the 4th wall. For those of you not familiar with theater terminology that was very confusing but you really don't need to know exactly what I was talking about only that I was expressing the fact that theater terms and lifestyle has always been easy and I am perfectly at home on a stage being whatever character I am portraying, and that ease is the same way directing.
This last year I had a, for lack of a better word, trauma in my life. Some of you know what happened but I am not going to go into it all, again a story for another time, but it changed me drastically. I have always been involved with kids, coaching soccer, directing theater, doing daycare, doing emergency placement foster care, teaching crafts at school in the classroom, helping monitor on playgrounds and the list runs on and on. Unless I couldn't because of caring for Paul's parents or working I have always been involved. I love working with kids, absolutely love it! I have met so many neat people from 6 different states and worked with them and taught them, always having their very vocal support and community support and appreciation, so what happened last year was a little of my own fault. I thought CO would be like every other school district and community I have ever lived in. I was so very very wrong. I should have taken the time to listen to the gossip in the community, I should have listen closer to the kids. If I would have done that I would have realized the jealousy and the vicious gossip and lies and would have been more cautious. Or knowing me I would have charged in and decided it was time someone stood up to bullies and pointed out how wrong it is to tear each other down and apart, thinking I could change the mentality, hoping to leave a mark of change for the better and to let God's love through me prevail. Unfortunately that is not what happened. My family was picked apart, my kids paid in the district, and I paid dearly by being watched and gossiped about. By the time we moved there wasn't but a shell of my former self left. I shut myself in my home rarely leaving because of fear to even go to the grocery store due to previous instances. Tons of people told me privately how they were behind me and stood up for me but only two actually came forward to do so in front of the community, and one of those was a child. Having said all this I can understand my Mom's concern. She was not here and did not know how bad it really became but I think she could tell over the phone I was no longer the optimistic woman she knew.
My Mom called.... she asked what I was up to and I told her I was involved in the theater production. This is where I am not sleeping, instead of being thrilled my Mom asked me why? She got distant and told me to watch my back and that I had made a mistake getting involved again.
I have felt more alive in the last week then I have in the last year. I have smiled more laughed more and been eager to go to rehearsal and watch the vision Heather and I have unfold. To teach these kids little things, in comedic timing and getting the laugh to turning out or cheating stage right, all this has made me think I am making a difference. I love the person I am working with and the kids are growing on me every day I am getting to know which little quirk is theirs and seeing a vision on how to translate that into being a bit on-stage. Some of these kids I have had limited exposure with before because they are Caleb's friends, and I genuinely like them.
Then comes my Mom.... is she right? Could one of these kids make my life a living hell again? I like the kids in Hayden, loved some of them. Thought they ALL, everyone had amazing potential for bright futures, and all it took was 3 children. 3 children telling lies and not the whole truth to destroy more then one program, and not one that actually knew what happened to come forward. Could it happen again? Could these kids that I am beginning to let into my heart be so devious and do so much damage?
I really don't know. I do know I have to take the chance. I know my Mom doesn't support it and I know she doesn't agree with me but I have to take this chance at taking my life back.
I am still that little girl inside searching for her Mom and Dad's approval. Someday I hope I find it.
For now, I have learned I am me. I am not my sister or brother. I will never be like them, I will never have the life they live, but I wouldn't want it. I love my own life. I don't make tons of money, I am not a workaholic, my family and laughter and relationships are all that really matters to me. I am still trying to have that with both my sister and brother, but I understand why I don't. They are not like me either, and I am glad. As for my Mom, I love her. I love her for what I am interpreting as trying to protect me. ( I really hope that is the case :p)
Some day I really hope to make her proud of me, even if I do not do what she feels I should.
I hope to also make sure that my boys know even if I do not agree with their choices sometimes, I am ALWAYS proud of them and will ALWAYS support them in everything they do.

No comments:

Post a Comment