WHAT IF?

I remember you and recall you without effort, without exercise of will; that is, by natural impulse, indicated by a sense of duty, or of obligation. And that, I take it, is the only sort of remembering worth the having. When we think of friends, and call their faces out of the shadows, and their voices out of the echoes that faint along the corridors of memory, and do it without knowing why save that we love to do it, we content ourselves that friendship is a Reality, and not a Fancy -- that it is built upon a rock, and not upon the sands that dissolve away with the ebbing tides and carry their monuments with them.



Anonymous


Have you ever had one of those days that you just can't shake the shadows? I have them a lot... I second guess everything I have ever done or said on those days, and believe me when I say I have an excellent memory and can recall every single one of my faults even when they weren't necessarily my faults in a situation that went bad.  I am one of those over critical people that rack my brain over and over again and ask myself - what if I had said this or done this instead. I spend so much time grieving over my errors that some days I forget to live. I forget that I am a good person, although I am human and I make mistakes and I act out of hurt and anger. I have been told numerous times I carry the world around on my shoulders and I want to fix it so bad I tend to take all the blame and shame. I don't know if this is entirely true, you see I am far from perfect and I do make just as many errors in life as any one else, probably more because I am also stubborn and bullheaded. I try to see the best in everyone though and am working on seeing the best in myself too- which is far harder to do then seeing it in others. I am also very naivete. Yes I admit it I am not of this world and have never been. I do not get sarcasm and putting others down as a way to lift them up. My sons are GREAT at it! They have a dry sense of humor and get all the little innuendos but I do not. Consequently I walk into the jokes all the time, this especially confounds my sister she just doesn't get how I do not see it, but I really don't. My brain doesn't work that way, I take those jokes as mean spirited. I have learned to not be so sensitive and to desensitize myself but to this day I still have to remind myself that it is all in 'fun'.
I am also one of those people that tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Opening myself up and trusting until being squashed like a bug under someones boot. I never have thought anyone would have any reason to want my ideas or be jealous enough of me to want to just bring me down and hurt me. I have learned that lesson over and over and over again in my 42 years of life but I still don't seem to be able to 'get it' in my head because I keep walking into it to this day. It started when I was little with things I don't want to discuss and continued through school and my last girl birthday party with my 'friends' loading their suitcases with my possessions at my overnight party. Girl's seem to be the worst. I do not understand that. As the female population no one else understands us or our need to be caregiver and secretary and lover on days we just would like to be selfish. Women of old used to rely on each other to confide in and support and keep each other sane, they helped each other carry the load, supporting and uplifting. Why is it now that if you try to help its viewed as trying to undermine them? I know I have had plenty of experience in this area and have had my ideas and kindness thrown back in my face more times then I can count but I still continue to put myself out there.
At least until recently, the last 4 years of my life have been some of the worse I have ever endured and I find myself keeping busy, super busy in order to avoid letting anyone in or having friendships with anyone ever again. I am not this person I have become. I know I am not and I don't want to be but I am not sure how to trust anyone ever again. I am still dealing with the fall-out of the last six months, my whole family is. It is a difficult road right now, but in it all I can not tell you how lonely I am. I have Paul, which is amazing but I really miss having that person I can call, weather I am crying and need some advice or I am happy and just want to share my good news. I know I could probably solve all of this if I wrote two letters and sent them. I could have my friend back and I could probably have my little girl back too but for me to open myself up like that again and give them the power to stomp on me again. I just am having a terrible time doing that. I have forgiven them, I also know that part of it is my own fault. I know God wants me to mend broken bridges too but I am not strong enough.
So I have these bad days, where I wonder what if.... what if I was a different person? What if I was stronger? Braver? Smarter?